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Funny Facebook statuses

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Cops never say "Thank you for committing a crime and keeping us employed," selfish bastards!
Status By: anonymous
hey can you please never talk to me again its for a school project
Status By: anonymous
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Status By: anonymous
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
Status By: Dorian
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Status By: Dorian
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Status By: Dorian
12 years of school and I`m still not sure if it`s “grey” or “gray”
Status By: anonymous
Me: Hey close the door.

Parent: *leaves door open 2 centimeters*

Me: *dying whale noise*
Status By: anonymous
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
Status By: Dorian
Whoever said "money doesnt grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
Status By: anonymous
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